Friday, August 5, 2011

Cardboard boxes^13

I've had a really nice time with my family visiting me the day after my last post and spending a week here. The days passed way too quickly. I also considered taking a trip to my brother and his girlfriend, but eventually figured that it (in my opinion) would have required far too much additional driving for my dad. Hopefully it won't be too long until I get to make that trip.

The next week was mostly spent packing up a lot of stuff and trying to prevent all the work from making my apartment a complete mess. Long story short, my ex has kept most of her stuff here while she was staying at her school. Now that she's on the move she wanted to pick it up. So, last Sunday the rest of it disappeared.

Now my apartment is a fair bit emptier than it used to be. Apart from some curtains (which I have already replaced) I pretty much owned most of the things critical to getting by. That said, I now do lack a few things that would have been handy, like shelving space in the bathroom, a table in the living room and a TV bench. Just need to head out, find some furniture I like and buy it, right? Well...

I'm also in the middle of looking for a new apartment to rent, with intent to move in as soon as possible (and hopefully not have to move for a long time). I don't know when that will happen though; could be in a few weeks, could be many months from now.

In the end, I'm likely just going to buy some really cheap furniture to use temporarily until I find a new place. Would be a complete waste if I bought some expensive furniture that turned out to be impossible to use in the new apartment. I have to admit it is quite frustrating.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Uncleseses & Fatigue

It has been fairly silent here for a while. Sorry about that. Simply put, it has been quite a rush here lately. There was a period where I was unsure I'd have a roof over my head in the near future, there's been an increase in activity on my "treatment" schedule, I've been way behind on a lot of my planned tasks... to mention a few things. I won't go too much more into that though, at least not for now.

Just thought I'd throw something out here to say that I'm not completely dead. :p It is just that all the stuff happening around me has left me fatigued, but all in all I think I'm keeping up quite good.

The last days I've spent tidying up around my apartment and preparing for my family coming for a visit. They'll be here tomorrow and are staying a few days. I'm looking forward to that, as I haven't been able to see them as often as I'd have liked, nor as often as I had intended. If everything works out as it should I'll even get to visit my brother and his girlfriend.

On that note, it is still a while away but I'm gonna be an uncle. :D

Monday, June 6, 2011


Lately I've been trying to write several proper posts, but no matter what I tried my hand at I just couldn't get it to turn out the way I wanted it. Eventually I just let my thoughts flow freely and write whatever came to mind.

Today I decided to finish up some of that which I had written.


I think that went well,
thank you for your company.
If not for your support
this gathering would truly
have been dinner in hell.

Now we close the door,
heading each to our own
for evening is settling in.
I'll see you tomorrow
when I go out once more.

Though as I stare intently
at the visage inside the mirror,
I can't tell the difference
between you and me.
Out of touch with reality.

I really don't know anymore
if I'm the one wearing you
or if you're the one wearing me.
I just wander along the stripe
towards yet another encore.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Celebrating by Making a Choice

It's not all that long until the National Day of Norway is upon us. I believe this one is going to be a bit different than it usually is for me. Whenever one of these big holidays or holiday seasons rear their heads, I seem to be getting a certain thought smacked straight in my face from more than one angle. A thought that perplexes me quite a lot.

For the time being, I live alone. I currently don't have anyone around me here who'd drag me around to attend to the festivities (except perhaps out of pity, but that is irrelevant). However, is that automatically a reason to feel sorry for me? "Aww, poor guy, he's all alone while we're out here celebrating together."

I do actually get served fairly similar thoughts.

Is there something wrong with celebrating by having a calm day at home? I live in a country where I supposedly have the opportunity to freely choose to stay at home and plant my feet up on my table should I so want. Maybe putting on some music I really like whilst pouring myself a glass of something to drink, adding a tiny bit of Vodka in it, and just lean back in my chair, close my eyes and... enjoy it. Does that mean I must be miserable and that I must be having a bad time? Is that really a reason to feel sorry for me? Is it a bad thing that I'm not bouncing back and forth on my way from one festivity to the other like a pinball-machine?

I really don't get it. I don't get why people are feeling sorry for me as if I'm having a bad time. It is just assumed that I'm having a horrible time just because I don't choose to do what "most people" would do. Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever been asked if I might perhaps like "celebrating" in this way too every now and then.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I loathe celebrating things the classic way. It's just that should I want to choose otherwise, it seems as if people think my whole world has just... imploded.

Friday, May 6, 2011

World Autism Awareness Day; I missed it.

April 2nd was World Autism Awareness Day it seems. Didn't realize that until yesterday, so I guess I'm late. However, that does not mean one must cease spreading awareness just because the "main event" is over.

I was thinking of writing a proper article on a subject related to the Autism Spectrum, or perhaps simply record a video where I could rant on about it. Unfortunately, I just couldn't make up my mind about what to write/talk about. There's so much to choose from and trying to cover everything would lead to something that'd bore the minds out of people (myself included) long before getting through even half of it.

Eventually, I settled on trying to find videos on YouTube about the subjects. It still is hard choosing due to it being such a broad subject, so I guess I'll just post videos here as I stumble across them.

I will at least leave you with one video for now. This one surprised me to be honest, in the sense that I'm amazed at the self-insight she shows, and how she manages to address it in such a clear and consice way.

Now, enough words from me.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"Yesyes, I'm awake!"

As you might see, I haven't been writing here for a while. If you are one of the very few peeking around here every now and then, you were probably aware of that already. It has been a hectic time. Activity levels skyrocketed for a period which has, in fact, been mostly quite positive.

One of the bigger happenings for me has been ADHD course I attended. It was interesting as well as educational (both in terms of facts and self-insight). Everything was wrapped in a package that I had little problems keeping up with, seasoned with a great atmosphere and wonderful people. In no way do I regret signing up for that.

I will see if I can get a post up in a few weeks time on some of the stuff I learned there (no promises though).

Now that a fair share of the other things that were weighing heavily on me are settling down, we've also figured it is time to get more out as well as put more activities on my schedule; thus, I have let myself be persuaded to join a theater group.

Along with the weekly exercise sessions I've had for a while as well as a lot of smaller errands I've had to take care of that tends to constantly pop up, the sudden spike in the everyday tempo has taken its toll. Whilst things seem to be calming now, it seem I will yet again have to battle a thoroughly ravaged sleep-wake rhythm. I had finally achieved some control of it (relatively speaking at least), only to have it shot through the nearest exit at record speeds. Hopefully I'll find a way to get it back under control quicker this time.

I do have a fair few other things I'd like to share sometime soon. That will however have to wait. This post is long enough as it is and I could probably do with turning the pace of my mind down a few notches right now.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A voluntary prisoner

 I can feel myself having been dragged into that world again. The beautiful, yet diabolic world of the dark and brooding but still so exceedingly vivid aural paintings. The world of Mr. Doctor, the world of Devil Doll.

It happens from time to time. The sprechgesang of the Doctor is so captivating, the tonality of the Devil Doll works so alluring. I have heard them so many times already. I would not be surprised if I found out that I have listened to each of the works literally several hundreds of times already. As I prepare to I hit play, I am completely aware of what journey I am about to embark upon. I know it will be long before I can crawl out of there again. For days or weeks at end, I will not listen to any other music.

It is a sort of contradiction, I know. I push play willfully, gleefully, with the greatest of joy, yet I am incapable of preventing it from happening. I have to push play, I have to let myself be captured in this ravishing realm, I have to experience these tones and words that balance narrowly on the borders of insanity.

And the few moments in which I do not listen to it, passages from them will flow through my mind over and over again, as if it is trying to haunt me. At times, I can even listen to the entirety of one of the pieces solely with the sounds that can be conjured within my mind.

I could write so much about Mr. Doctor and Devil Doll, but I will not bore you with a speech I could do for hours upon hours. Besides, there is so much about it all that feels impossible to convey.

And all of this reminds me that it is about time to see if I can get hold of a certain TV-series. Patrick McGoohan's "The Prisoner".

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A bittersweet resonance

Let me start with something positive. I've managed to write a decent amount of lyrics for one of my projects these last few days, in addition to what I have written for this blog. Creativity has a tendency to make me happy and gives a sort of meaning to my life that little else is capable of giving (however abstract and absurd that may seem). So many a time during periods of hardships has creativity helped me manage to keep my head above the water. To have written that has felt nothing short of wonderful.

However, this dish does not come without a somewhat bittersweet garnish.

During the later years the eccentricity of my interests in creativity, and particularly music and lyricism, has skyrocketed. It is not that I actively seek the eccentric; I could not care less for what label it is given. What matters to me is the journey it takes me on, what it gives me, what it means to me, what it expresses. It seems that it is in the more remote corners of art that I find my home. Not that there is anything wrong with other types of arts. In my eyes the eccentric is not necessarily any better or worse than other forms, it just simply doesn't have the same appeal to me.

As I mentioned earlier, I have done some writing done for one of my projects. Incidentally, of all the works I have made, I've tried to make or wanted to make, this is the one closest to my heart. Unfortunately, the musical part of that project is suffering. I have some random fragments that I've managed to do something with, but in general I am struggling with it. I do often get ideas to parts I want to include, hearing them within the depth of my mind, yet I am still unable to make them tangible. Either my technical understanding of how to actually create it fails, or I have problems fitting it in to the material in the way that it was in my mind. Most of this material is forever lost to the beasts that devour memories just because they can.

If there is one thing I truly long for now, it is finding someone who both understands and appreciates the form of art I wish to create, as well as the driving force behind my creations. Someone who can "feel" the music and the poetic canvas I paint my illusions on. This remote corner of eccentricity seems like a dead landscape with no populace visible anywhere along the endless horizon.

I guess it is about time to go back to being joyful for that which I have achieved.

I leave you for now with a quote:
"A man is less likely to become great the more he is dominated by reason: few can achieve greatness – and none in art – if they are not dominated by illusion."
- Mr. Doctor

Friday, February 4, 2011

To sleep away my lack of focus

I think it is about time I posted something on the blog. It has been a while now.

Lately I've been utterly drained of energy. At certain times I've barely been able to stay awake for more than just a few hours at a time. That is in itself is exhaustive. No way to really know when I have the energy to stay up, no way to really know in advance when I will be in need of some sleep, no way to plan a day because you don't know what parts of it you'll actually spend being awake. Hopefully though, I'm on my way up again.

I don't really know why it has been like this. I have my suspicions, but ultimately it is all just speculation. If I am to take a shot at explaining it, I'd say that I've been doing too many things that have been challenging to me in too short an amount of time, coupled with the highly varying tidiness in my apartment. It's exhausting when the apartment is too untidy, but it also requires a certain surplus of energy to get it out of the way too. Not the easiest thing to get started on when I start the day being in bad shape.

As such, I haven't really been able to get any proper writing done in a while. I have a lot to write about though. Since I seem to be in a writing mood now, I'll also start writing on some of the upcoming posts too (that is, mostly posts I've been planning for quite some time). I could probably have postponed putting up this post in order to get that planned writing added in, but then this post would probably turn out to be incredibly long and become a harsh read. Besides, should I at some point whilst writing lose this focus I have right now then I will at least have gotten some of it published to my blog.

So, fingers crossed for another post coming relatively shortly, maybe even with a slightly different and more optimistic topic.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Uhh, calendar?

Ever since my last post it has mostly been just a mad dash against time. It's been quite hectic to put it mildly. I've had a bunch of great experiences that I'd love to write about; in fact, that has been part my plan all along. In the end though it has really worn me out.

This last week I've felt quite exhausted and barely had energy to do anything sensible at all. The only things I've really done are sleeping and trying to stress down in front of the computer. Any kind of structured sleep haven't existed, and I've missed out on a few days this week. It feels like the week has just barely started. I didn't really realize how exhausted I had been though until today. As I finally woke up and took a look at the calendar, I had to ask myself: "Where on Earth has yesterday gone?" scratched my head for a moment wondering what the hell had happened to yesterday. Had I slept through the entire day? Nope, yesterday was a Friday, and I knew I hadn't missed out on Friday. Turns out I've been thinking it was the 20th yesterday when in fact it was not.

Unfortunately, the 21st was important...

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