Thursday, February 10, 2011

A voluntary prisoner

 I can feel myself having been dragged into that world again. The beautiful, yet diabolic world of the dark and brooding but still so exceedingly vivid aural paintings. The world of Mr. Doctor, the world of Devil Doll.

It happens from time to time. The sprechgesang of the Doctor is so captivating, the tonality of the Devil Doll works so alluring. I have heard them so many times already. I would not be surprised if I found out that I have listened to each of the works literally several hundreds of times already. As I prepare to I hit play, I am completely aware of what journey I am about to embark upon. I know it will be long before I can crawl out of there again. For days or weeks at end, I will not listen to any other music.

It is a sort of contradiction, I know. I push play willfully, gleefully, with the greatest of joy, yet I am incapable of preventing it from happening. I have to push play, I have to let myself be captured in this ravishing realm, I have to experience these tones and words that balance narrowly on the borders of insanity.

And the few moments in which I do not listen to it, passages from them will flow through my mind over and over again, as if it is trying to haunt me. At times, I can even listen to the entirety of one of the pieces solely with the sounds that can be conjured within my mind.

I could write so much about Mr. Doctor and Devil Doll, but I will not bore you with a speech I could do for hours upon hours. Besides, there is so much about it all that feels impossible to convey.

And all of this reminds me that it is about time to see if I can get hold of a certain TV-series. Patrick McGoohan's "The Prisoner".
 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A bittersweet resonance

Let me start with something positive. I've managed to write a decent amount of lyrics for one of my projects these last few days, in addition to what I have written for this blog. Creativity has a tendency to make me happy and gives a sort of meaning to my life that little else is capable of giving (however abstract and absurd that may seem). So many a time during periods of hardships has creativity helped me manage to keep my head above the water. To have written that has felt nothing short of wonderful.

However, this dish does not come without a somewhat bittersweet garnish.

During the later years the eccentricity of my interests in creativity, and particularly music and lyricism, has skyrocketed. It is not that I actively seek the eccentric; I could not care less for what label it is given. What matters to me is the journey it takes me on, what it gives me, what it means to me, what it expresses. It seems that it is in the more remote corners of art that I find my home. Not that there is anything wrong with other types of arts. In my eyes the eccentric is not necessarily any better or worse than other forms, it just simply doesn't have the same appeal to me.

As I mentioned earlier, I have done some writing done for one of my projects. Incidentally, of all the works I have made, I've tried to make or wanted to make, this is the one closest to my heart. Unfortunately, the musical part of that project is suffering. I have some random fragments that I've managed to do something with, but in general I am struggling with it. I do often get ideas to parts I want to include, hearing them within the depth of my mind, yet I am still unable to make them tangible. Either my technical understanding of how to actually create it fails, or I have problems fitting it in to the material in the way that it was in my mind. Most of this material is forever lost to the beasts that devour memories just because they can.

If there is one thing I truly long for now, it is finding someone who both understands and appreciates the form of art I wish to create, as well as the driving force behind my creations. Someone who can "feel" the music and the poetic canvas I paint my illusions on. This remote corner of eccentricity seems like a dead landscape with no populace visible anywhere along the endless horizon.

I guess it is about time to go back to being joyful for that which I have achieved.

I leave you for now with a quote:
"A man is less likely to become great the more he is dominated by reason: few can achieve greatness – and none in art – if they are not dominated by illusion."
- Mr. Doctor
 

Friday, February 4, 2011

To sleep away my lack of focus

I think it is about time I posted something on the blog. It has been a while now.

Lately I've been utterly drained of energy. At certain times I've barely been able to stay awake for more than just a few hours at a time. That is in itself is exhaustive. No way to really know when I have the energy to stay up, no way to really know in advance when I will be in need of some sleep, no way to plan a day because you don't know what parts of it you'll actually spend being awake. Hopefully though, I'm on my way up again.

I don't really know why it has been like this. I have my suspicions, but ultimately it is all just speculation. If I am to take a shot at explaining it, I'd say that I've been doing too many things that have been challenging to me in too short an amount of time, coupled with the highly varying tidiness in my apartment. It's exhausting when the apartment is too untidy, but it also requires a certain surplus of energy to get it out of the way too. Not the easiest thing to get started on when I start the day being in bad shape.

As such, I haven't really been able to get any proper writing done in a while. I have a lot to write about though. Since I seem to be in a writing mood now, I'll also start writing on some of the upcoming posts too (that is, mostly posts I've been planning for quite some time). I could probably have postponed putting up this post in order to get that planned writing added in, but then this post would probably turn out to be incredibly long and become a harsh read. Besides, should I at some point whilst writing lose this focus I have right now then I will at least have gotten some of it published to my blog.

So, fingers crossed for another post coming relatively shortly, maybe even with a slightly different and more optimistic topic.
 

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